My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
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Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste