My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
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The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no