My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
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A GPS. But for where your story is going.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
technically true but not a great slogan
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?