My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
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<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien