My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
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Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Left at a local drug store…
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.