Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.

Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds