My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
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My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Gemma Correll
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
This is not me but this is me
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly