My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
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Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
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Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.