My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
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As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I think my mom just blocked me
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Real House Wines.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.