Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

LMAO

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

damn he’s good

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded