Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

We have a winner.

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again