My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
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First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.