My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
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A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
This was a bad idea all around
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?