My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
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Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh