My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
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my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
awkward
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?