Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars