Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.