My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
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[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?