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I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work