My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
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Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
me after drinking all the wine:
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.