My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
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Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
We are never ever ever getting back together 🎶
Tupperware lids
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.