My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
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me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Wait a minute…
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.