My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
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I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters