My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
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Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Cats are still liquid.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks