Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.