My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
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[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though