Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
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Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Husband of the year 😂
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
crying
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.