Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

c’mon!

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.