My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
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WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?