My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
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My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.