My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
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*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Introverted vegans go meetless
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”