my name if I was in the mob
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If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
lol
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that