my name if I was in the mob
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Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there