my name if I was in the mob
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ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight