My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
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I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
When they try to steal your moment.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”