My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
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People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys