My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
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It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork