My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
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I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.