My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
You Might Also Like
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
not seeing the problem
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.