my name is luke but my friends dont call me
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My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’