my name is luke but my friends dont call me
You Might Also Like
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*