“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
You Might Also Like
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
This took me a second..
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.