“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
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I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
The two types of wives
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Meat Cute
