“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
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I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I’d hang this in my house.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…