“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
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Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
#Caturday
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
