Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

My therapist after every session

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice