My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
You Might Also Like
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out