My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
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look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
🤣could you imagine
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.