The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
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He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.