@trumpetcake

MY NANA WAS A FREAK IN THE SACK. Now granted, we didn’t stuff her in that sack often, but boy would she freak out when we did.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

@AmishPornStar1

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

@tastefactory

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

@Parentpains

Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push, into traffic.

@decentbirthday

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

@Mom_Overboard

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

@JennyJohnsonHi5

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

@imence2

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

@PopeFrancisXXX

If Mary gave birth to Jesus & Jesus is the lamb of God, then did Mary have a little lamb?