Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

Hmm, not sure about this change

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.