My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
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Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts