My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
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I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
New comic up. “Ransom”
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die