My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
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Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Good morning!
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.