My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
was Jim off killing horses or…
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
