My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Who chose this font
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Jus’ sayin. 😐
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
