MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
You Might Also Like
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.