MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
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-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
A great tip. #CakeRex
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Meanwhile in Portland…
