My neck, my back, my…
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My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
