My neck, my back, my…
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“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before