My neck my back my allergy attack
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I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table