My neck my back my allergy attack
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If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Poetry is my passion
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts