MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
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Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away