MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
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coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Thanks to a fan for this one!
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
The “baby” on the left….
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels