My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.
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Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Real House Wines.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
This poor dog
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches