Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

Choose your fighter

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?

My Kid: yes.

Me: and the milk?

My Kid: yup!

Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?

My Kid: (sigh) yes.

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.