My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
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[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch