Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo