My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
You Might Also Like
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not