My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
me hitting on a model
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
This was the best day of my life
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
