My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
