My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
