Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

You’re telling me this life crisis is mid

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.