My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
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Aight bet
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief