My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
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Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.