Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.