Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.