My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
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The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no