Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.